Squeezed tightly into the pews like a package of sardines, I sat amongst thousands of high schoolers listening to the speaker's message. Despite the lack of air circulating the building, he had us all draw in, captivating every ounce of attention as he spoke as if we had been long time friends. I was intrigued by the way he taught, using visuals to help the audience grasp the message clearer and having such passion in his heart for these teens, knowing it had been during that time in his life where he came to know the Lord.
Although I was gleaning from the chapel service, as I quickly scribbled down notes in my book, I was feeling terribly sick that night and was fighting my hardest to stay focused so I could get out of there and back to my cabin. Just then he asked us to bow for prayer. I closed my eyes and began to pray myself, asking God to clear my head and help me pay attention to the work He wanted to do in and through me that week, as well as the young ladies surrounding me.
My eyes were heavy. My body physically weak. As the speaker continued to pray for us, I felt the Lord begin to pinpoint an area in my heart that I, as well as many (if not every) women, battle at least once in their life. Insecurity. Before I could question why God would choose here and now to bring that to the surface, I found myself fighting with what little strength I had to hold back the tears. I can't let my girls see me like THIS! I wish I was joking by saying that's the first thought I had. Naturally, I felt quit "insecure" about allowing them to see me as a pathetic mess, but it was too late. As if someone had finally released the water pressure in a clogged up pipe, the tears began to cascade down my face in record time. Clinging to the one overly saturated tissue I had, I sat there trying not to make a spectacle out of myself during prayer as my girls began to comfort me with their hugs and support.
When all I could do was focus on looking like a clown with mascara running down my cheeks, God came in, touched my heart, and began to cleanse it of everything I had been harboring that week. You see, I'm not the most confident person. I tend to be terribly hard on myself, look far too much at other's gifts and abilities, and sometimes battle day-to-day to find my strength and the value of who I am in Christ. All week I had been struggling, but I didn't tell anyone until I was completely overwhelmed. I was thankful God met me that night in chapel.
Insecurity is often rooted in a person's childhood years and tends to grow in a layered fashion year after year. I realize this now as I can look back and see how the enemy has used the same song and dance, like a recording constantly being played over and over inside my head. He has the ability to know our general weaknesses and exploit them. But like Ephesians 6:11-18 states, we need to put on the whole armor of God so we can stand against the wiles of the devil. Every day we are in a spiritual battle with the ruler of darkness, supernatural hosts, powers, and wickedness. If we cave in and believe those sweet lies the enemy whispers to us, he is winning. It takes the strength of the Lord to stand with His confidence, declare Satan the liar that he is (John 8:44b), and believe God's truth.
The Lord is faithful (Isaiah 25:1). He is always with us (Matthew 28:20b). He always loves (John 3:16). Always comforts (John 16-18). Insecurity CAN be overcome, but it takes time, patience, and trust in our "ultimate security" (Psalm 9:9; 28:8; 46:11; 59:16). I am still a work in progress!
Our world bombards us with images that create a false sense of reality in our minds. We will never be the 5 foot 10 inch stick-thin model that gets paid to stay so small or the perfectly airbrushed one who graces the covers of hundreds of magazines. Take your insecurities to the Lord. Share your heart with Him and in doing so allow Him to open your eyes to how He sees you. It's His opinion that really matters because we are fearfully and wonderfully made in Him (Psalm 139:14-18)! The thoughts He has towards us are vast and precious. Remember whose you are!
With love,
Ashley
