A Painful Journey Towards Healing

There I lay sprawled out on the floor, as if I had just taken the final blow to my stomach in a boxing match. Tears filled my eyes and the floodgates unleashed before I had time to react. Hopelessly, I cried out in anguish…although no one would come to my rescue. Despite all my questions lacking answers, the one I kept circulating in my head was, “why”?

WHY would God allow this to happen?

WHY would He allow such agony to rip my heart into thousands of tiny little pieces?

If He loved me so much, WHY didn’t He prevent this?

Through the days, weeks, and months that would follow, my nerves became raw. I felt exposed, broken, and vulnerable…the result of any toxic relationship. I developed into quite an expert at “faking it” with a smile even though the pain inside was shaking me to my core.  My thoughts turned out to be my worst enemy as I battled between what was truth and the lies that managed to get tangled up somewhere in between. Depression sunk me further into the darkness as the struggles and fears, I fought so hard to bury as a little girl, snuck in through the cracks and reared their ugly heads.

Something within me shifted and although I knew the correct response, I didn’t want a Sunday school answer.

How on earth did I think I was strong enough to handle this on my own?

Have you ever felt that way? You know where to seek healing (in Christ and His Word), but you don’t run there. Maybe you don’t want to hear what He has to say or know that in order to receive healing there is action that must take place on your part. Perhaps you don’t want the responsibility that comes with surrender.

Sometimes we crave just a little more time to wallow in our self-pity, but God does not desire for us to stay there. He loves us too much for that!

“We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed,
but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God,
We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed.”
2 Corinthians 4:8-9 (NLT)

Even when I was at my lowest point in life, God remained faithfully by my side. Only when I stepped away and gave Him control over my circumstances did my actions warrant the beginning of a journey towards healing. Admittedly, it came through painful cleansing. God cut straight to the chase and began to purge my heart of all the lies I had held onto for so many years.

While the world would whisper one thing, I began to hear the sweet promises echo in my mind and heart that He had nestled in His Word. I began to write scripture He placed on my heart onto note cards and place them all around my room so that I would constantly have His truth at the forefront of my mind. My prayer of needing to “feel” His love more was answered and every day He was finding new ways to woo me, drawing me in like a groom to His bride. I was captivated. Intoxicated. His love for me made me giggle like a child!  Slowly, but surely, He was changing me from the inside out. I didn’t think my heart could ever heal properly from the turmoil it went through. I thought it had been damaged far too great, but His loving hands were gentle and healed even the slightest of cracks.

Though the pain was great, God made everything beautiful in its time (Ecclesiastes 3:11).  He gave me a new heart and restored joy like I had never seen.  As the years have gone by He has shown me how even through the ruthless of circumstances, His glory can be magnified and He can use my story to encourage other who have walked down a path just the same.

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort; who comforts us in all our affliction so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.”
2 Corinthians 1:3-4 (NASB)

I think we all go through struggles, albeit at different times and with diverse circumstances, in life. We all toil, with pain that seems beyond our strength of coping, and all ask, “why”.  When we go through difficulties, be assured God will be with us. When the storms of life are crashing in all around, we can rely on His strength to get us through and those experiences can be used to encourage others who are going through similar things in life.